Friday, January 1, 2010

Resolutions

I really love New Years! It's like a fresh piece of paper just waiting for me to write on it! What magic will I create when my ink touches the parchment? I love the anticipation and every year I'm convinced that this will be the year where I will become skinny, I will probably learn a new language, I will read and reread any and all the classics, maybe write a bestseller of my own, and I'll start and most likely perfect a new creative skill and either draw pictures of all my friends and or their children for nice personal gifts, start calligraphy and make sweet sentimental gifts for people, I have my card box full to write personalized thank you cards to basically everyone I come in contact with from the person who spoke on Sunday to the grocer who was friendly. I completely fall in love with the person I can become in less than a year's time. Seriously, I could be awesome.

I think part of the excitement is that I really could do all these things. I think seeing my inner potential is exhilarating and frightening. The part that fills me with melancholy is that I never end up doing these things. They somehow fall by the wayside, and go to the land of lost dreams and intentions and possibilities. The loss of these possibilities stings a bit.

My whole life I've been blessed to be surrounded by absolutely amazing people to whom I would never measure up. I've always felt that if I could do something awesome, someone would recognize the something special inside of me, and somehow some of their magic would wear off on me and somehow suddenly I would transform into someone as awesome as basically everyone around me.

I think what needs to happen is I need to see the absolutely amazing in myself. This year I need to find a way to reconnect with me, and establish a relationship with the Giver of life and light. I need to come to a point where what matters to Him is what matters most to me. I need to accept myself and my family when I feel others don't, and be okay with that. I need to realize that I am enough and finally realize that I am someone special. I think I have an amazing talent for seeing the great in everyone around me but myself. I can see how the gospel and the Atonement and prayer and the Holy Ghost etc. will work for anyone except me. I am blessed and grateful to have a firm testimony in the Savior, the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith and the restored gospel, I just don't have a testimony of my value to any of it, or anything really, and this year, that is what I need to improve.

Anyway, so that is that. If you have any insights or experiences on how to go about actually doing that, I'd really love to hear them either in comments or in a personal email to tenisewertman at gmail dot com.

On second thought, maybe that bestselling novel isn't such a bad idea...

3 comments:

AlixSteele said...

I love reading your writing. I say go for the novel. I don't have any insight, but I have to tell you that you are one of the absolutely amazing people who came briefly into my life to whom I will never measure up.

Di said...

You are such an amazing person, and I always feel better after I talk with you. You're so easy to talk with - down to earth and not fake. And I'd totally buy your bestseller! :)

Sarah, Spence, Sterling and Hannah said...

I think a lot of people feel that way...I've been thinking the exact things of myself the past however many months/years...I can't believe how well you nailed my feelings (about myself) in your writings...go for the book, you are amazing...even if it doesn't make it out your door, you kids will cherish it for a lifetime.